Hi, and welcome to my blog-turned-place where I post my writing. This is my outlet to put them up, which was radically different from the blog that this started out as. I hope you'll have a good time reading my blog/place where I post some poetry and some short stories. I try to cover a variety of topics in these works of mine, so I hope any readers will enjoy it. I'm not an English major by any stretch, but I enjoy writing. Critique would be nice for my writing, cause lord knows I could work on it. Enjoy!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Conan the Barbarian review, part two, or, The Life and Times of Cimmeria's Most Famous Barbarian

(Part two of my review of the movie, this time in a not very serious way. Seriously. This is in the spirit of running with the fact that I'm vindicated from hearing jokes about my name.)

I just want to say that the documentary of my life was very well done. It really captured the spirit of my life, complete with the whole revenge and the like. In case you movie goers needed any confirmation, decapitating your enemies is an art form; I didn't spend my young years learning the art of killing for nothing. You may doubt that, but lining a man up to maximize the efficiency of cold, hard steel cutting through him takes practice, lots of practice.

Growing up in the wild plains of Cimmeria, I can affirm that you had to be tough like that. The old man made sure that you learned how to be tough. You know those muscles I had? Well, they were due to fighting in village tournaments where the motto was "twenty versus one is fair game". I earned those muscles let me tell you.

Another thing I'd like to point out is that in no way was the lack of affirmative action in completing my revenge for a while is who I am. Really. If I had my way, I would have hacked my way until the last baddie was dead. However, that's not for a very good documentary if everybody is dead within 30 minutes, so I (reluctantly) agreed not to run around killing everything in sight. So I'd like to dedicate this public service announcement to say that I'm actually quite efficient at being a barbarian and the like, contrary to what you all might have seen.

Okay so some people have asked me, "are you really that rough with maidens who are the last of an ancient bloodline?" I'd like to come forth and say that normally I'm not, but you know, I was a bit mad that day, and unfortunately the cameras caught me like that. Women are to be treated with respect, and I honor that. Well to be fair, in Cimmeria if you treat the women like that you're probably going to get a dagger up your windpipe, or worse. So yes, I'd like to think that I am very good with all the women out there. Which is why I attract hordes of them everywhere I go. (Come to think of it, having liberating them might help too.). Oh, on that topic, I'm an equal opportunist when it comes to wearing shirts. Just going to throw that out there.

I've also come under fire for feeling, ahem, very passionate at inappropriate times. What's a barbarian got to do to get respect? I mean, being a barbarian means that we log long and tiring hours-a man's gotta relax at some point. And I mean, romance is good to break up the monotony of these documentaries . So I don't think you can hardly fault me for feeling at ease at times. 

Don't go around thinking that I'm weak with words. I'm not. I just think that making what some people call "a dramatic speech" kind of guy. I mean, you can do that, but I prefer cleaving my enemies in half after telling that I'm going to do that. Saves the effort of having to think of witty things to say anyways.

So yeah, I hope this shares my insight on how my documentary came out. I'd shake your hand in congratulations for doing such a great job on it, but I've got a ton of blood on my hands at the moment so...

PS. What they say about barbarians having huge swords is true

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