Love Lost

She says that it's time. Time to move on.
That sadly she doesn't think that she can love me as she first did.
Am I to blame for what happened?
Am I personally to blame for my heart being torn into little pieces?

Yes. It's my fault.
The things that I did and the things that I should have done.
It's not her fault. It's mine.

For the burdens I placed on your shoulder
For the guilt I may have transferred onto you

That's my fault.

You meant the world to me, and you still do.
You loved me. Loved me for who I am.
I loved you. I loved you for who you are and the fact that you loved me.
There's no words to say how amazing you are.
You hold a special place in my heart, and will always.
The time that together we spent, that will always be in my heart.
You brought a certain joy to me that cannot, nor will, leave me.
I will hold that time with me until the day that I die.

I'm just futile as a boyfriend.
I can't hold on to love long enough
Yet I've had enough of it to know what I'm missing.

What is Love? Have I Abused It?

I don't know what to say to that. I just broke up right now with somebody that I really truly loved. Honestly, it feels like I was run over and my heart ripped out. Was it a result of me not being a good enough boyfriend? Or was it that I created a situation with incredibly high standards that I couldn't live up to? I respect her decision either way; I know it was hard for her to do, and I support her all the way. Right now, I don't know what to say, how to react. I'm just stunned.

If I had to point the blame, it'd be at me. It's not her fault, instead, I feel that I'm to blame for not being the best boyfriend that I should have been. I should and could have done things way differently and I'm kicking myself for not doing so. Maybe I put too much pressure on you, that you felt like you had to make things amazing for me. I think about it, and that was just greedy on my part. I essentially guilted you into doing things that you shouldn't have been doing; that was totally my fault, and I can't blame you for wilting under that ridiculously high bar that i inadvertently set for you. I'm sorry. I set you up to go somewhere where you should not have had to have gone to. It's my fault, not yours.

Just thank you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for giving me bliss and all the joy that I could have ever wished for. Thank you. Thank you for all that you've done. I can't say how much you meant to me, and I wish you all the best. You deserve to be happy and to be loved far more than I ever delivered to you. God speed and I hope you find happiness more than I delivered.

Why sports are beautiful

So before I start writing this, I was watching two amazing videos. They were ESPN's Images of the Decade and ESPN's College Football Images of the Decade. They just reinforce why sports are beautiful-the passion behind them are unrivaled. Byron Leftwich being pulled to the line of scrimmage by his linemen, Paul Rhoads' speech about how proud he was to have coached Iowa State to a road upset of Nebraska, the Army-Navy rivalry, sports after 9/11, etc. It makes me proud to be an athlete. We pour our heats out on the field, court, ice, etc and the passions are unrivaled. We're united in our efforts in winning and losing, and that's what makes it so great. Amazing stuff.

The Friend

You know who you are.
You, the person who I can count on most.

You support me
You give me strength to continue
I know that no matter what, you love me.

It may not be much, but it means everything. Knowing that somebody loves me.

The way you keep encouraging me to keep on, that's you.

And I'm thankful. Thankful beyond words.

It's early, but here's my birthday thoughts

So I know I'm not quite 18 yet, but I wanted to share my thoughts on it anyways. Time has definitely passed, and it's kinda scary to think that I've come a long way from being a wee kid to who I am now. I'm gonna miss those times where everything was innocent; I'm sure that I'm not the only person who feels that way too.

Looking at this year, I feel that as a person, I've come a long way. All I wanted for my birthday was to go to a soup kitchen. Honestly, I really don't want anything for my birthday, and even if I did want something, I have enough money to just go out and buy it myself. Saves people time and the hassle too. But about the soup kitchen, my thinking behind that was that, if I didn't want anything personally, I felt that as a little way of thanking everybody who's helped support me, that I should return that help and support to the lesser fortunate people. Besides, I get a kick out of helping people that no present could ever deliver. In a way, I feel that I'm somewhat turning into Buddha, as I've kinda rejected earthly presents for things that are more important than what I got one year for Christmas or my Birthday.

I've been thinking about my personality, and I've concluded that I like being out of the spotlight. It may hurt at times, but it just meshes with who I am. I'd rather let people know me as a person who helps others and doesn't want anything in return; when you're happy, then I'm happy, and that's fine with me. I just see it as having a certain amount of time on Earth, and I want to be known as somebody who has so far made the most out of it. The event that really sums up who I am in a nutshell was a time in hockey. We were down by a goal, and we had pulled our goalie. The other team took a shot on our net to try and clinch the game. However, I was back on defense and I swatted the shot out of the air, and the puck went to one of my teammates, who promptly scored to send in into overtime. We then carried that momentum into overtime, where we scored relatively quickly to win the game. I didn't get any credit for essentially turning the game around, but I don't mind-that's who I am. A solid person who performs with basically no spotlight but does well. Yup, that's me.

Finally, I would just like to say that I'm always here for anybody. If you need somebody to talk to, I'm here. Vent your problems to. Heck, I'll even lend my shoulder for you to lean on. And just remember, in case you're feeling blue, I love you, love you for who you are.

Legal is so close and is also a scary thought

So in about 6 hours, I'm turning 18. Now THAT'S a scary thought right there. Honestly, it seemed like yesterday that I was just a kid. Wow. Time has passed. And here's something else that's scary-I'm gonna be tried as an adult now. And happy early birthday to me too.

China? Europe? Oh my

So this morning marks the China Band getting their massive picture taken and then they have (or now it's underway) a rehearsal from 9-12. It's great and all, but I somewhat felt that I should be there getting my picture taken with them too; it's just cool to have your ensemble picture taken and hung up in the performing hall in China. Oh well. It's just something cool that in this case is something that's only gonna happen one time in our lives, and I'm missing out on that. I've just been thinking about it all, and it's just cool to think that I could have been part of the second only high school band that was invited to go to China. Well, that and thinking about all the buds in band probably having an amazing time.

However, when I think about it, I'm happy that I wasn't in the picture. Why? Cause I'm going on a trip to Central/Eastern Europe that I know will be amazing. I get to avoid all the hassle with the flu shots, annoying and bubbly band kids (no offense to you guys, but there's a lot of people whom I'd really not want to be in an airport, much less a plane, with), etc. I get to travel a lot lighter (no instrument for one) and I'm with fewer people. Also, I get to meet new people, which is what I EAGERLY await; when you're with people you know, you tend to get pissed off at them, but when you're living with people whom you never really met/knew prior to the trip for 11 days, you tend to want to make the most of it. Tying into this is how I've never really felt a part of the group of "friends". I'm basically an odd man out, somebody on the outside looking in. And I really don't expect that to have changed in China; with this Europe trip, I actually get to be a part of friends that I make, and I would actually look forward to hanging out with them. Plus, I know from experience that you start off as friends and end up really hating their guts by the end of the trip (it's nothing personal, you end up liking them again, but they're REALLY annoying first). For that reason, I've honestly NEVER realyl enjoyed the band trips the last four years, as I felt that I was basically on my own to have fun. You can't say that's the same in the vastly smaller Europe group. Finally, I get to go to Europe, which holds a higher travel wishlist spot to me than China does.

All I'm going to say that having two options between China and Europe, it's not a bad situation to be in. However, in my heart, I knew that I was always going to side with Europe. So to conclude this post, I hope all of you guys going to China have a blast, and I'll be in Europe when you're gone. All of us will have a blast, and thankfully, that's what I always wished for.

"The Phone"

It's amazing really.
How it has a great memory, remembers all the numbers that you want.
Of all the people you want to talk to or call.

It's a great thing. Really, it is.

You save time that it would take for you to dial the numbers in

And you can also take pictures; isn't that wonderful?
Games are another perk of the wonderful cell phones.
When you're bored of chatting the night away with your friends, games are there for you.
So simple, yet oddly enough, you love them. Come to think of it, the simplicity is probably why you love them.

And that explains why I quietly play Tetris on my phone late at night, feeling nothing but joy.

"Joy"

What happens when it seems that nobody loves you, like nobody pays attention to you?
Do you move on with it, or do you accept that lonely fate?
I know. It's painful. It always is.
Do you try to find the spotlight?
Do you try to find that elusive love that you so desperately crave?

Well you know what?
I love you
I love you for who you are. I love you for how you make me feel.
Don't fear.
You have somebody who will talk to you. Play with you. Stay with you.
Be that person you can always trust, that shoulder to lean on when you're crying.

And you know what?

I always will love you

I'm basically a dog, come to think about it...

So for this post I'm basically going to address my perceived issue of not getting recognition/enough recognition. Lately, I've been pondering about how some people seemed to be blessed with constant attention and/or have a ton of good things happen to them, as well as seemingly being more loved than I am. Yesterday, I saw that my amazing girlfriend Alexis got accepted by the National Honors Society, for which I'm amazingly proud of her (that's a huge understatement). Maybe I'm a bit jealous that her g.p.a. is higher than mine, as NHS inductees have a minimum g.p.a. of 3.5 (I have a 3.409). Or even, maybe I'm jealous that she's even in NHS, which I came valiantly close to getting in this year. Really though, I shouldn't be envious, as it's my fault that I didn't work as hard in the past to get that high of a g.p.a.; also, she'll have a bright future in that, as she has three years of being in it, which is amazing. But alas, she has it better than I have. However, it kinda brought the topic up of how seemingly everybody gets those prestigious honors when I'm shut out. Then again, that's not true. I've put in hours working at soup kitchens, which have been without a doubt the most fun I've ever had. I've been to the Hoover Dam. I've been snorkeling with sharks in the Bahamas. I've been to the aforementioned Bahamas, Vegas, Canada, the whole United Kingdom (minus the Shetlands, Jersey, Guernsey, the Isle of Man, and the Isle of Wight; but hey, who's asking?), Austria, Switzerland, France, and Germany, and this coming Spring break I'm going back to Germany as well as Hungary, Poland, and the Czech Republic. Any does anybody know that? Nope, cause nobody asks me this, or even cares to ask me. Hell, I'd kill to have just a bit more attention. I never have been in a position to be recognized for being a first chair musician in a premier band ensemble. Same goes with sports, I've never been recognized what I can bring to the table. Also, in school I see people who have way better g.p.a.'s than me, and sometimes those people don't even try (or at least appear not to). This ties in with this odd title, as I feel like I'm the dog that you don't mind, but when it's gone, you realize what you miss. But that's okay, I'll take it. Like a dog, I'll be there for you always. I'll be there to comfort you when you need a shoulder to lean on. I'll be there for you as a person to talk to. Does it hurt that I never seem to get recognition? Maybe. Come to think about it, I don't mind too much. If nobody wants to call me and hang out (this happens and is happening right now, actually), then I see it as their loss. I've learned to make friends, as well as sharpen my friend making skills; it has helped me to make a ton of friends. My skin has thickened, as I have been in a wide variety of situations, so my mental toughness is super high. Lastly, I'm going to say that like those shot blocking defensemen in hockey, they never get the due credit they deserve (and for the record no, I'm not biased as one of said defensemen), so I feel like them. Then again, I'm proud to have taken the road less traveled by. Life has two sides to it, and I feel that I'm all the better for it, for not being like so many other people are. And please, I beg you guys (scratch that, nobody reads this blog of mine other than me), just talk to us underrated folk, it means a lot to us; I'd do it to you, regardless of who you are. Thank you, and god bless you.