Anatomy of a Rant

Some of you gentle folk might be wondering, what's the secret to a good rant? Well you know what? I have the secret to a good rant. Without further ado, here is the whole key to a good rant.

You can start out in one of two ways: guns blazing, take no prisoners, or the subtle way. It's kinda like "do I want to take his head off or just rip him a new hole?" Either way, you'll achieve your goal. Personally, I prefer the subtle way, as it's far more fun to mess with somebody's head. But that's just me.

Case 1: The guns blazing method.
What we have here is where you're obviously telling people, you're somebody who is not to be messed with; if they look at you funny, you let them have it. To give them that impression, it's kind of like the first day in jail-you have to kick somebody's ass to let the rest of the bunch know that you mean business. The guns blazing method of a rant is like that, you set the tone early on. From the onset, you should say something like "this would be fun/good/exciting/whatever it is you're talking about, had there not been the problem of it totally sucking", something along that lines; I'll let you figure your own way of conveying that. From here, you just pour it on. Basically, you just heap on the abuse after initially establishing what the main gripe is (note, if it's a true guns blazing rant, there should be several "main" gripes). However, you don't want to overdo your ranting at once, cause it's more effective if you give it some optimism...and then brutally bring it down. What I'd say is something like, "It wasn't all bad, as his acting/performance/whatever you're talking about was the saving grace. Unfortunately, it's as effective as wearing a faulty life jacket when you can't swim, your arms are broken, and you're bleeding with sharks all around you-you're dead anyways." That really just sums up the guns blazing method, as it's pretty straightforward to do in a rant.

Case 2: The subtle way

Some people might want to rip the head off a certain person/group/subject in rants, but the subtle rants are often more efficient. For me, it starts off with a seemingly neutral review/critique, then I infuse it with my biting commentary. Really, it comes to just pouring it on in the rant, but it has to happen later on. Start off by maybe saying, for example, "Going into the movie, I was warned that you'd want to kill yourself by the movie's end. Well, that wasn't true. By the end of it, I wanted to not only kill myself, but the director who made it." By doing this, you express outrage but not so blatantly. From that example, you set yourself up perfectly to continue to rant about something. If I had to give a mentality to the subtle rant, you have to express outrage about something and why your designated subject matter is bad, and you have to have the mentality of quietly plotting revenge. Oh and the last thing that makes the subtle rant subtle is the use of language; the successful use of bigger words lends more to the effect.

Finally, have fun with your rants, as they're supposed to be therapeutic (there's some twisted irony for you there). If you want to see one of my examples, check out my rant on Disney on my Facebook.